


pull everything apart

by mourningafter



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Breakup, Hurt, Hurt Felix, M/M, Mentioned Seo Changbin, Missing someone, Sad Bang Chan, chan talks to the moon, it's kind of just sad, stray kids - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-10
Updated: 2019-08-10
Packaged: 2020-08-14 05:23:01
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20186962
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mourningafter/pseuds/mourningafter
Summary: missing someone is talking to the moon and trying to feel better, pretending like you never made that mistake.





	pull everything apart

**Author's Note:**

> sorry, more sad chan

under a bundle of blankets was christopher bang and his lonely thoughts, curled up. he was alone and made up of these ideas and sorrows, and it was slowly consuming him tonight, how much he was thinking.

usually when you have a thought, you can just stick with it and keep on that one topic. or, sometimes, it branched off into more and more until all you are is just worries and bad things, drinking away your energy. that was chan tonight. a puddle of tears and panic, a ball of sadness and regrets. not the best you can feel.

could someone be missed? missing people is always hard, you never know who you'll miss until it hits you. you could just think about them for hours or days on end, remembering all the little things they do until you meet again. you can remember the shape of their eyes or how their lips turned up into a smile, how their eyes were like a masterpiece that belonged in an art museum. how soft their hands were determined how often you ached to hold them again, the color of their hair making you miss the strands between your fingers. their laugh always made you miss the sound of their voice, their hugs always left you begging for more. missing someone hurt more and more until you couldn't imagine yourself without them.

perhaps chan was aching for that hug that he so missed. he missed brown eyes and blonde hair, a laugh so genuine that he wanted to keep it in a small bottle to never be released. he imagined listening to it on rainy days when there were no escapes to the outside world, sitting on his bed just thinking about the boy who held the world in his hands.

then again, what was that? that feeling; wanting to capture their laugh, wanting to hug them, wanted to hold the world in one of your own hands so they wouldn't have so much weight on them - was that missing someone?

his fingers curled around the edge of his blanket, tears dripping down his cheek and across his nose. he hated crying while laying on his side, hated the feeling of tears on his cheeks. but this boy that chan missed, he did that. he caused tears to fall often, caused the windows in his room to grow dark.

the moon wanted to say hello. it wanted to kiss the tears from chan's face, remind him that tomorrow he could see him. tell the boy he missed that he missed him, grab his soft hands and guide them to around his neck. they would hug and all would be good, and from where she hides, the moon would smile and consider her job well done, just to reappear that next night and repeat the steps.

chan loved the moon. he thanked her so graciously, appreciating that she provided him chances to see him again. he thanked her for giving him time to think and feel, thanking her for helping him dry his tears before the sun came to laugh at him. he thanked her for being his best friend, unknowingly giving him a sense of hope.

missing this boy was like missing a part of himself. it drove him mad, missing him. he wanted to give him all the stars in the sky. he wanted to give him all the money in his bank account, because  _ god _ , chan would give him anything.

he wanted to show him his best friend, the moon, and explain to him all that she's done for him. the hope, the help, the sense of forgiveness she provided. he would laugh and stargaze with the boy laying next to him, their hands touching and longing for one another, and the moon will giggle before encouraging them.

but this was real life, and here he was, under his blankets and crying. the moon was sad tonight; she didn't like seeing him so upset. the tears shone in the dark, sparkled against his skin, begged to stop falling. it only made it worse.

he missed him. the boy with the melodic laugh, who's hands were as soft as a new blanket. he missed the brown eyes that would look at him, ballerinas dancing across and dreams laying among the shades. he missed the curl of those beautiful pink lips, the bite marks inside from nerves and much more. he missed the tone of his voice, low and soothing, guiding him home at the end of the day.

chan wanted it. the voice. the hands. the eyes. the lips. he wanted everything that came with him. he wanted to hear about every single problem he was facing. he wanted to hear about how his schooling was going, what he was learning about. chan wanted to know about his dreams and what he would do with the rest of his life. he wanted to know what the future could hold for someone as beautiful as him, someone as smart as him, someone so kind as him.

wiping away the tears, the boy sat up. the blanket pooled in his lap, his eyes starting to hurt. he bit his lip, feeling his teeth sink into the skin, and then his eyes flicked to the window to see the moon outside.

he shakily breathed out. "i miss him," he tells her, as if she could hear every single word that left his lip. "i know what you're thinking. i miss him too much. i know."

inside his head, he could hear her gently sigh as the wind blew past his window. he started talking again. "do you think that wherever he is, that he misses me too? or am i thinking too much? i miss him more than i think i ever have. i miss having him near me or in my arms. is that… is that dumb?"

he's pulling at a loose string in his blanket. the thread comes loose and he yanks on it, breaking it before more can come loose. it's like his emotions, he thinks. what a funny little thought.

"i don't think he'll ever take me back, moon." he breathes in. "i did something real bad this time, and he'd never forgive me. i wish he would, but sometimes, some things don't deserve to be forgiven. i would take it all back if i could, and you know i would."

mistakes and missing someone. chan wished he never cheated on felix, wished he didn't miss the way felix's eyes would light up when they would spend a night in chan's room. wish he didn't have to see the disappointment flash across his face that one day in the diner when chan told him about him and changbin, wish he didn't have to watch felix's eyes fill with tears.

"he texted me yesterday to tell me he misses me, but do people just say that to make you feel better? why would he miss me? i hurt him."

the moon is silent and chan hates her now. she won't give him reassurance, won't tell him he's going to be okay.

he deserves it. the moon is right. felix has every right to be upset with his ex boyfriend. chan wishes he could tell felix that there's such things as a second chance, but those have to be earned. and chan's done nothing.

the wind blows again. "you're right," chan mutters. "i don't deserve him. but i miss him again. do you think that's crazy?"

and when she blows again, chan chuckles and tucks himself back in. maybe tomorrow he could forgive himself. 

**Author's Note:**

> tell me your thoughts! sorry if this made no sense, it's just a jumble of words


End file.
